Susannah and Melissa's residential adventure

Hello all,

I know its been the longest time, there is a funny tale to tell about it all. If you have time you can read all about it below. If not, you can just look at the pics of my new place ;)

Love Mel x


The beginning. Susannah and Melissa’s residential adventure.
(this story was written in collaberation with Susannah, Melissa, Bronwyn and Leonie on a rainy day, when we all sadly, had nothing better to do!)

Having arrived in the country searching for accommodation, we found a fabulous two-bedroom apartment above friends. Could we have asked for more? Yes I think we could have. As it turns out we had moved in to non-existent flat. How did we do thins you ask? Don’t ask us, ask Erik. Hang on he wont answer his phone; we will tell it for you.

Our dental surgery on roehampton lane was sold off to a man name Erik, property developer of health field properties. Erik, what a man. In for the quick buck, he subdivide the properties but left us a half finished house, with a skip and construction site thrown in for fun. Our favourite game was to climb the mountain of rubble to get to the front door. As good law abiding citizens we felt it our duty to pay our bills, the many numerous bills that London has on offer. However, Erik didn’t feel this was an important part of the London Empire he was creating.

Firstly we couldn’t open accounts because we didn’t exist, apparently we still lived in a dental surgery or favorite chicken, it depends on whom you talk to. (Favorite chicken = low grade KFC. Fresh Steggels chicken, I don’t thinks so!.

Meanwhile, Erik has let us know that he will pay for our electricity bills until the time that he actually gives our flat is own meters - rather than system he currently had in place which involved siphoning the next doors dental surgery electicity supply.

However Erik again doesn’t seem to feel that 'actually paying the bill' is of such importance, and is happy to let us be threatened continuingly with warrants from the company to enter our homes and disconnect the power supply.

And so Erick continues to build is empire, of unfurnished flats and unplayable bills, leaving a path of broken dreams in his wake, with Igor his polish second in command incessantly drilling a path of destruction through our front yard.

Enter Marcus, the innocent looking, child like boy, from Walsall, young and naive. He brought a house, a sports car and many other luxury items, failing to realize that he is in a grown up world, and no Marcus, monopoly money doesn’t work here. Susannah with her homo pigeon / detective like brain was unsure of this deal and of this man being her future landlord, however we needed a home and fast.

Problems insured from day one. We had no blinds, so we brought them themselves, in hopes of Marcus adhering to the tenancy agreement and attaching them to the wall so that they could, in fact do their job, blocking out the light and the prying eyes of those commuters on the double Decker bus which frequented our front door every 15 mins. Alas this was a dream, we soon realized was turning into a nightmare.

There is more. I don’t know about you, but I like my clothes clean. A luxury that could not be afforded at $900 Aussie dollars a week! Our washing machine broke down and rather than doing the responsible landlord thing, Marcus skipped town to St Tropez. Unbeknown to us of course. We thought he could quite possible been imprisoned, as debt collectors we coming to the house to reposes his fancy sports car and our flat. Continual visits from these debt collectors and the absence of Marcus, blinds and a washing machine highlighted the need for us to perhaps 'get the hell out of here'.

We refused to pay rent, and Marcus not know the laws of the land, agreed for us to move out of the flat before the tenancy agreement was up.

To be honest, it really came too quickly. We were quite desperate to find a home. Enter, the unmentionable. I apologize for the lack of description of this person, however as you are soon to find out, his name will never be mentioned again.

We found, what we thought could be the perfect place. Its all blur really, like newly weds we ran into the bliss of our honeymoon believing all would be right with the world. We refused to let our experience with Marcus throw us into the depths of festering mistrust the London breeds. To our detriment, the bubble burst, the honeymoon was over. The unmentioned took our deposit and ran. We were, as one would say, ‘the victims of fraud’.

Disillusioned by our run in with another criminal, we decided to turn to our own criminal activities by squatting illegally in the vacant apartment next door to Bronwyn and Rory's. Each evening when night fell, we packed our rucksacks to venture into the dark, sleeping curled up together with one eye opened, just in case any prospective buyers were to find us in our secret location.

We continued to search for a new property to call our own. We found Tung. A young asian Englishman with what may have been alleged ties to the triad, perhaps, at some stage in his mysterious life. Dedicated from the beginning, riddled with guilt from a former life he took on our cause.

He found us Jeeders. Mr Majeed. A hard done by Indian muslim man in a dress, burned by the past. We viewed his apartment and found to our delight, a wooden floored, large bedroomed apartment, roughly in our price range, however, now we needed to secure the deal.

The day arrived. The deal was now or never. Jeeders had his bodyguard, another man in a dress. We had Tung and his manager Ricki, a big attractive black man with gold teeth.

Let it be said now that Jeeders seems oblivious to the desparate need for good dental hygiene, and his bodyguard? Well, lets just say deodarant wasn’t a high priority on his shopping list.

We came to the scene of the deal in a BMW convertible. Jeeders tells us the house is gone! We’re on the edge of our seats, wondering what could have gone down in the last few days to change his mind? After what seemed a lifetime of no fresh air while he told the tale and of us, breathing shallowly whilst trying to look meaningfully involved in the conversation, jeeders finally finished his indecipherable rant only to tell us that the house was still available and he had the keys…?

Jeeders takes Ricki to do the deal in his car. Tung is in the house across the road. Mel’s phone rings. It Tung. “Can you see me?” he asks. “What’s going on?”. Ricki’s doing the deal with Jeeders in his car. We notice the windows are all up… Enough said, poor Ricki. His bodyguard, B.O. hereafter, beckons us forth. The deal is done, we are to sign the contracts. As we reach the car we see Jeeders in the car clutching the steering wheel for dear life, a look upon his face as though a heart attack threatens his humble existence. Jeeders refuses to do any more deals with Tung and Ricki. He believes they are trying to rip him off. He flees with the contracts, B.O. in tow. We find out later that Jeeders has had a troubled past. Bouncing checks, fraudulent tenants. He is very fragile. His father reprimands him for his too trusting ways. Sorry, did I mention Jeeders is roughly 65 years old? The guy’s had a tough time.

But its all okay now. We finally have a home and Jeeders has finally found tenants he can trust. Praise God! Or Allah… (Bad taste? You can backspace that if you want)

So here it is, the new pad! Sorry the pics are so dark, but its been a bit dreary here! Susannah and I share the giant main bedroom which is sweet coz there is so much room in there it certainly doesn't seem a drag to share a room. We will be renting the second bedroom out very soon which will help. We only have one bathroom this time but that is ok. We are the second floor flat in a victorian conversion, so the one with the wooden blinds is ours. We share a hall way which is a bit not nice, becuase no one takes ownership to clean it and we dont have a vaccum cleaner. Need to sort that out. The streets is very quite and 5 mins walk to the train, tube and bus station. There is a nice park just around the cornor where we can play tennis etc. No problems so far, expect for a little mousey friend who has moved in. Gross! Need to fix that too ;)